The Subtlety of Experience

Nothing feels worse then having your experience “explained” to you. As a woman, I have experienced this many times, by men kindly Mansplaning things to me. There are many forms of privileged explaining, such as whitesplaning. Some are understandably attempts at "Virtue Signalling": the action or practice of publicly expressing opinions or sentiments intended to demonstrate one's good character or the moral correctness of one's position on a particular issue. However, when someone explains your experience to you, it not only can act as a form of gaslighting, but it can also be patronizing, no matter the intention. The video below is a potent reflection on whitesplaning.

Recently, I saw the clip below on social media, and while I appreciate what the video is trying to do, I was still left with a bad mental/emotional after taste. Here women are still being objectified and the position taken is still sexualizing women’s bodies. The man does most of the talking and the women sit by and listen. It is apparent that the man that made this video has good intentions, however, the approach is still androcentric. It still operates within the patriarchal paradigm. As a woman I would much rather see this topic approached from the standpoint of: women have just as much right to respect and dignity in public - no matter what they expose - as men do. Sex appeal, by male standards should have nothing to do with the topic.

I have had my stint with throwing around the world patriarchy to make men uncomfortable, to call out inequality, and generally to put words to my experience as a woman living in this system, but, while it is a truth, it is only a partial one. Recently, I read about Kyriarchy, which is a term I much prefer because it takes into account other forms of oppression and their intersectionality. Here is a highly informative article about Kyriarchy.

The collective experience is highly multifaceted and systemic oppression is a complex issue. I recently watched the documentary Intersexion which explores the lives and experiences of intersex people. The documentary revealed to me that 1 in 2000 people can be intersex. This completely changed my perspective of sexual norms. What we consider sexually and even biologically normal, is a fabrication. Michel Reiter an intersex person interview in Intersexion said in relation to his experiences growing up, “I wasn’t part of humanity.” His statement is poignantly accurate. This is the effect of the norms propagated by mainstream society, many ‘others’ are created. Many forms of discrimination are birthed out of this understanding of what is “normal.” What is normalized becomes a powerful dictator for what is considered, right, wrong, good, bad, and even whom is considered to be human. Baffling to me is that intersex people often receive surgeries as young children that they do not consent to, to conform their biology. Conversely, transgender people often have to fight to justify and receive the surgeries that they want. All in the name of maintaining a normalized view of gender and sexuality.

I am a white, American, heterosexual, woman, as such I have many privileges including, Cis-Privilege, meaning the privilege afforded to those who follow or appear to follow the sex norms they were given at birth. Watching Intersexion, has not only revealed to me a deeper understanding of a part of my privilege, it has opened my eyes to other worlds and realities. This has expanded my understanding of humanity.

As awareness continues to be brought to light through many movements advocating for equality on all fronts, I hope that all of us can learn to deconstruct what we perceive to be “normal” and break down the cultural and religious beliefs around what makes someone human. Language has changed over time to become more inclusive, “person” instead of just “man,” “he and she” instead of just “he”, “they, he and she” instead of just “he and she” and so on. Change is happening in many forms, narratively by advocating for inclusion of other realities, experiences, contesting norms and altogether promoting a deeper understanding of what it means to be human. This is incredibly inspiring to me, as I not only see the possibilities unfolding in the world, but within my own mind and reality, I am changing as well.        

This past year I have been steeped in readings of racism, colonialism, sexism, hate, violence, oppression and feminism for my undergraduate degree in Social Justice from CIIS. Typically, these learnings were accompanied with feelings of what I would call compassion, empathy, pity, shame, grief, and fear. Something different happened recently. What happened was an understanding beyond my white fragility and privilege. It was an unlearning of something that my upbringing, citizenship, skin color and Cis-Privilege gave me without my conscious consent. It was an undoing, a deep personal acknowledgement of my total lack of understanding of certain experiences that make up many people’s lives. Whether it is a person of color that experiences subtle or extreme racism every day, or a member of the LGBTQIA community that has to deal with hate, misunderstanding, violence or exclusion for just being who they are, I can read and watch many stories and still I have not experienced the same things. I can guess, visualize and compare those experience to my experiences of being a woman and experiencing sexism. I can remember all of my moments of feeling hurt, excluded, hated and like an “other.” It is still not the same.

The acknowledgement of not knowing is very humbling. In a certain way acknowledging my total ignorance to another's experience feels like the best way to honor their experience. It feels like a healthier response than shame, or pity, or even compassion, because it is vulnerable. We live in a world that prioritizes knowledge over wisdom. We all want to feel we know and understand, we may even read a lot and inform ourselves as best we can on different topics, however this never can take the place of actual experience. The expert is the one who has the most experience…right? Realizing and admitting that we don’t know about another’s experience is vulnerable, it is humbling, and it is true justice in my mind. It is an intimate way of beginning to live with awareness of another’s reality. It is me saying: “I have no knowing of your reality, but I respect it as just as real as mine, even if I have not had the same experience.”

There is something incredibly healing that takes place when someone is present enough with themselves, to just listen to another person. So put on the breaks and slow down, the next time you want to jump in and share your latest new discovery about another's experience. It is time to stop whitesplaning, mansplaning, cissplaning, straightsplaining, childsplaning... ad infinitum. It is time to listen to another's experience. Let it sink in, let it change you. Practice deep listening, perhaps we will all learn something. In my mind, this is what equality & justice really look like.